Comm Bus 3.5 Rewrite Letter (no broken english)

Original Letter is attached
Go to page 183 in the textbook. Starting in the middle of the page is a letter written by Jenny to Stephanie.

Your assignment is to rewrite this letter to improve the document’s readability.

Write a two page paper, rewriting Jenny’s letter. Jenny’s original letter is 442 words in length.

Demonstrate clear, insightful thinking while incorporating the following topics into your paper:

Ensure that the message is easy to read and effectively highlights Jenny’s potential for owning and running a Sunrise franchise.

Be sure to improve the ease of reading using the principles of completeness, conciseness, and natural style discussed in the chapter.


Dear Stephanie,

It was an honor to meet you at the Flower Exhibition. It is with great interest that I write this letter to describe my genuine hopes to be a franchisee. There are many reasons why I am interested in this opportunity, and there are many reasons why I am qualified to be a franchisee for you. I have been in the flower industry for over twelve years in various capacities such as starting as a flower deliverer, then I acted as a flower arranger, and finally for the last eight years I was the shop manager for a flower shop in the mall. In my time as a shop manager, I was told by the shop owner and dozens of employees that I was the right person to lead the shop and that sales were higher at my location than any other shop in that chain (which has 18 shops at malls in my state and the three surrounding states). In fact, sales at my shop have increased every quarter that I have been the shop manager with the exception of just two quarters in the eight years of my stewardship. I am very proactive in my approach to sales and think that my approach of keeping repeat customers happy is the key to success at my shop and which I seek to continue as a franchisee. I have used so many marketing techniques to gain our customers’ attention. Such as, I have created a Facebook group and I send specials to the people in that group. Not to mention I send targeted coupons by mail and email that are sent to the customers with specific types of interests. There is no substitute for knowing your customers. I also do many great special events at seasonal periods and have won prizes for flower arrangements many times that bring the shop good press. My flower arrangements were even featured in some TV commercials for the flower shops across our region. There are not any Sunrise stores near here and I believe from the bottom of my heart that this is the right time to invest in this area. I know without any doubt that you will be impressed with my work ethic and my focus on the customer. Needless to say, the customer is king, and we need to treat them that way. I am capable of meeting all of the financial obligations. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon. Most of all, is I love people, and if you are caring for your customers, you will achieve your goals and reach the pinnacle of success.



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